Hilter Youth Crunch

Not long ago, I noticed how the theme of breakfast cereal seemed to have reached a point of both banal consciousness and far too much sugar. There are tiger’s, bears, mildly homophobic elves, big beaked birds and even a stoned mountain lion from what I could tell; all trying to sell breakfast cereal to children. I merely wondered if enough time had passed as too allow a real person not related to sports to step in and sell a themed breakfast cereal.

After adequate thought, I settled on Adolf Hitler. If anybody could sell cereal, it would be him. How hip would it be to, while strolling the breakfast aisle, to have your eyes fall upon a box of Hitler Youth Crunch? But you would have to play to your audience. So I wondered as to how you bring out the fun loving side of Hitler while remaining true to form. So I thought about how a television commercial might go.

Picture this: A mildly overdrawn cartoon version of Hitler pounds the dais while screaming god knows what at a stadium full of children in those nineteen-thirties underwear/gym suit outfits they wore. The crowd of kids goes wild. They give the raised hand heil salute only they are all holding aloft a bowl of Hitler Youth Crunch. Hitler gestures to his left as the stage starts to tremble. From behind a humongous Nazi flag goosestep, a trio of heavily lactating cows. Each one, teat in hand, squirts a fountain of milk into the bowls of the children in the first few rows. The crowd goes wild. Camera zooms in for a close-up. A snaggle toothed future practitioner of mass genocide smiles into camera proudly displaying a spoonful of little sugar coated swastikas.

Allow me to digress away from the vision for a tick. I just realized how cool that feels as it leaves your mouth. Say aloud its nice…SUGAR COATED SWASTIKAS. That’s fun. See if you can work that into conversation at some point today. I did during a brief exchange with a pet supply store owner.

But back to the vision… Hitler does that crazy ass thing where he runs his finger into the air like he’s checking the prostate of someone standing above him. Then he reaches under the dais and grabs a box of cereal. He holds it aloft and the children chant, “Hitler Youth!” then bite down on a spoonful of cereal for the crunch. Hitler throws the box into the frenzied crowd and it explodes showering the stadium with sugar coated swastikas.

As the crowd goes mad, a voice-over comes in to explain the added features and special offers available. “Hitler Youth Crunch! Part of a balanced diet! Act now while supplies last get an authentic Railway to Auschwitz train set for twenty-nine ninety-five with three box tops! And the first one-thousand orders receive a free one-hundred percent pure jewhide wallet! So act now!”

And it should probably end there I imagine. You know now that I think of it, perhaps that is a bit too much but I would still like to see it aired just once.