The Hidden Side of Fonzie
Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli was and shall always remain the pinnacle of cool in an era known for it’s narrow-minded approach to society. Granted the fifties were the birthplace of such heady notions as the sixties and the failed project referred to as the seventies but Fonzie was there when it all started. The straight laced perceptions of all things living during the exploratory years of his youth and early adulthood presented us with an interpretation of Mr. Fonzarelli that was to say the least, a tad askew. Please join me as I embark on a brief tour of what really happened and what might have happened.
The first item up for bids is the subject of what the Fonz referred to as “chicks”. Now I put that word in quotes for those that might not understand the reference. I, however, in tribute to the man distinguish a nearby hottie as a chick to this day. Always have, always will. Not to demean women but to tell them in my own special way without coming right out and saying it that if the Fonz were here right now and all he had to do was snap his fingers he would waste no time in getting to the business of sticking his thumb in their butt. To the point, Fonzie was a player. They never said it like that, not in those terms but he was. We all know it. He hit everything in sight. Some were hot, some weren’t. Personally I could never maintain an erection after looking down and getting a birds-eye view of one of those ugly ass period acurate hair do’s bouncing up and down on my lap. Actually, who am I kidding, that’s why the light switch was invented.
The chick’s point of origin made no difference to him either. He threw it to whomever, whenever. Which brings us to the inevitable outcome that was never, ever addressed.
I defy anyone to participate in as much sexual contact as that man did and not obtain at least some form of an STD. Now I know they could never address the issue but tell me that wouldn’t be a ground breaking show. The Fonz sitting there in the doctor’s office, stripped down wearing nothing but a white hospital gown, covered by of course that damn leather jacket, waiting for the doctor. Now if the show started like that the audience would be plunged into a state of anticipation as to what illness has befallen the beloved Fonzie. Doc comes in and inquires as to what might be the problem.
Fonzie looks around just in case someones listening then turns back to say,
“Heeyyyyy, It burns when I pee.”
Sure they would have to turn it into one of those depressing awareness shows but at least they wouldn’t be glossing over the issue.
Since we’re already in the doctor’s office why don’t we play around with that for a minute. The show was taken off the air before he got too old but let’s pretend. Let’s take a short glimpse into a Fonz in his early fifties. What’s the biggie that strikes trepidation into the hearts of men everywhere? The colonoscope. Granted I don’t know when the medical profession finally got around to inventing a male friendly version of the mammogram so bear with me. Just the thought of an episode of Happy Days depicting him going in there for one of those exams is enough to put it well into the high end of the ratings scale. Think about it. How would he go about making that cool? He wouldn’t. Can’t be done. Well not to pull rank but Elvis probably could. Hell he wouldn’t even know if they just told him it was a new type of southern, fat-rich yet nutritious snack with a somewhat unorthodox delivery system.
Since we’re there already, flip the whole idea up to the next level with a guest star. Let the doctor charged with the daunting task of convincing Arthur Fonzarelli to let another man do that to him be someone like Mickey Rourke. Well in fact since it’s not real we’ll just go ahead and say it is Mickey Rourke. I envision the scene going like this…
Fonz seated on the table garbed in a white gown still wearing the jacket of course, when there’s a knock at the door, a brief pause and then a violent rattling of the door. A shout comes from the other side. It’s Dr. Gusman played by Mickey Rourke.
Gusman: God damn fucking doors locked. Hey in there open the d-
(The door slams open and the doctor jumps into the room as if shoved from behind. He grins and pulls his sunglasses up to rest them on top of his head, chart in hand)
Gusman: Forgot you gotta push that fucker.
(A slightly puzzled expression fills his face as he eyes Fonzie from head to toe)
God damn son take your coat off and stay a while. And lose the boots...'That fucking dress you look like the crazy bitch that lived in the mobil home next to me when I was a kid.
(Looks at file. Giggles then looks up at Fonzie)
Gusman: Looks like you’re here for the big show partner
(Fonzie does that thing where he straightens up and you’re not sure if he just shit his pants or is going to kick someone’s ass)
Gusman: Nurse Jenkins can you come in here for a minute?
(A too hot to be a real nurse appears at the door wearing what could barely pass for a Halloween costume. Fonzie barely notices but then he does notice and stops his arousal so as not to swing it around in the company of another man.)
Gusman: (He starts to speak to nurse but pauses to take in the sights)
You know I don’t give a shit that you got your degree from a box a cracker jacks. I wouldn’t let you go for the world. What say you bring me one of sticks with a camera on the end for Mr. Fonzarelli here. Oh and nurse Jenkins, take a look at that round thing on the wall up there and tell me what you see.
(Nurse Jenkins looks at the clock and feigns ignorance but she’s so hot it doesn’t matter)
Nurse Jenkins: It’s eleven fifteen.
Gusman: (to Fonzie) Ain’t she a peach?
(To nurse Jenkins) You know what that means don’t ya.
(she nods and leaves the room)
(He turns back to Fonzie then calls out over his shoulder in the direction of the door)
And put one of them fucking umbrella’s in it. Place is dead around here.
Fonzie: Maybe I could come back when your not so busy.
(Gusman slaps Fonzie on the thigh leaving his hand there for an uncomfortable moment)
Gusman: Now I know what you’re thinking. Let me assure you I god damn test all my equipment and shit every day for safety.
Why that thing I’m about to shove up your rectum was fully certified as operational by nurse hotpants over there this very morning before we opened. I’m a professional. I have enough control over my mind so as not to think of her magnificent pinkness while I’m starring at your hairy ass. That’s the shit they don’t teach you in medical school.
(Fonzi seems to be hearing this for the first time. His naivety often plays into the hands of plot as it does in this case.)
Fonzi: Are you going to shh…(clears throat) shh… (Turns his head to stretch his neck) shu…uu…uuu…
(He reaches out and grabs Gusman by the lapel with one hand)
Are you going to shove something in the backdoor?
Gusman: Easy com padre. I done this a million times. You got the easy part. I got to stand back here and line that fucker up so as not to rip your tird cutter any more than I have to.
(Nurse Jenkins enters carrying a colonoscope painted like a barber pole in one hand, highball glass filled with pink fluid topped with an umbrella in the other. The ice cubes in the glass clink as she closes the door)
Gusman: Thanks honey. That’s Grey Goose not that cheap shit right?
(She nods)
Well all right. Say Mr. Fonzarelli you don’t mind if the nurse here sticks around. This morning I promised her she could watch one of these here procedures on the condition I got to watch her do roughly the same thing to the secretary before you got here.
(Gusman drifts off for a second then comes back)....
Back to my point that would be a great show but there might be an issue or two with the FCC. Either way it’s one to think about.
In closing let me say this. Fonzie is the shit. Sure he probably in the course of the original series did experience the occasional case of drip dick. Sure they pretended it never happened. Who knows maybe when it happened all he had to do was make a fist, blow on it and tap his nuts just like he did with the jukebox.
